


Super Heroic Lives Of Real Popstarians

by bugsuit, Spoofen



Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, Kirby - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, B-Movies, Crack, Down the Rabbit Hole - Freeform, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Jell-O, Romance, Suspense, UFOs, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-11 18:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5637103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugsuit/pseuds/bugsuit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoofen/pseuds/Spoofen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two esteemed writers collaborate to bring you a high-octane tale of shenanigans, starring Kirby of the Stars and his adventures in Dreamland.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Dark And Stormy Knight

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the first chapter of this uplifting collaborative odyssey through the world of Kirby. This chapter is written by bugsuit. The reins will be passed over to Spoofen (AO3 account pending/TBA) for the second chapter, then back to bugsuit, and so on.
> 
> Buckle your seatbelts and hang onto your hats, and get ready to immerse yourself in a masterpiece of the modern age.

_ Rain lashed down like jewel-encrusted daggers on the bleak landscape of Dreamland, soaking its oblivious residents to the bone. Atop the hill, its backdrop shot by streaks of lightning, the chilling points of the castle thrust into the sky, looming ominously over the land. This was the residence of the corrupt, the dark fortress of neglegence and apathy that housed the miserable monarch himself: King Dede- _

“That’s not how you spell negligence,” Dedede pointed out, through a mouthful of potato chips.

“Stop rrreading over my shoulderr,” Meta Knight snapped, rolling his rs pointedly. “I am setting the scene.”

“What? You’re not even writing, you were talking to yourself. Loudly.”

Meta Knight held up his gloved hand, about to retort, then his eyes narrowed in suspicion. “How did you hear a spelling meestake?”

“Hey, look, it’s Tiff!” Dedede shouted suddenly, showering the knight with half-chewed chips. “Done reading the entire library, Tiff? Ha ha ha! Who reads any more.”

Tiff approached them with a sardonic glare, an eight-volume collection of thesauruses tucked under her arm. “Here are the books you asked for, Meta Knight. Though I still don’t know why you wanted this many thesauruses.”

Dedede leaned over her shoulder, chewing loudly. “You should see what he’s writing.”

Meta Knight took the books and glanced up at them, feeling oddly out of sorts. “Wait. Am I writing, or speaking?”

Just then, there was a shout from down the hill. “Guys! Wait for me! You didn’t get to the part about WcDonald’s yet, did you?”

Tiff rolled her eyes, and the trio groaned and facepalmed accordingly. “Way to spoil everything, Escargoon.”

The snail huffed, catching up to the group, and stuck his hands jauntily on his hips(?). “Well, if someone would keep me updated on these things, we wouldn’t be having that problem.” He dusted himself down and arranged himself in the sassiest pose possible, because that’s how everyone knows people who talk like him do anything ever, and that’s not a stereotype at all. “Anyway, I- oh! Heika-dono!!!” Instantly, his eyes glittered, and he tripped forwards to land in Dedede’s arms, one wrist placed affectedly over his forehead. “I didn’t see you there! It’s a good thing you were there to… catch me…” He blushed.

Tiff blinked at him. “How did you trip? You don’t even have feet. Like… Not actual-”

“I ran in a couple of episodes. Just roll with it,” Escargoon suggested.

Dedede dropped him.

Meta Knight stared at his hands, in which a notebook and pen were (or were not). “Listen,” he mumbled uncertainly, “can anyone tell me if I’m writing or not? It’s starting to bother me.”

The king shrugged. “Well, it’s not like anyone can see your mouth, so who cares. Anyone got any pretzels?”

“Pretty sure you’re talking. Maybe you could take your mask off? Then we’d know,” Tiff suggested helpfully.

Meta Knight gasped. “Neverr! Rrevealing my face would be against everry code of honour I have… Orr, whateverr rreason I have this time.”

Tiff and Dedede exchanged glances.

“Uh-huh. Well, anyway, at least give us a plot or something. This is starting to get dumb.”

“Fine.”  _ The four heroes stood in the biting wind, Tiff’s hair flowing like a snake in the stormy weather, and the ground began to shake. Ever perceptive, the stoic knight turned his glittering eyes skyward and pointed. Far above them, hurtling towards Popstar at an alarming rate, a meteor- _

“Can’t do meteors,” Tiff interrupted. “We did a meteor in episode thirty-nine. Kirby shot a cannonball at it.”

_ The unflappable samurai pointed to the west, where a lone silhouette stood on the opposite hill, framed against the sparkling ocean. It spread its feathered, dusky wings- _

“Galacta Knight isn’t due until chapter eight,” said Escargoon, finally picking himself up. “Why are all your ideas so - oh!  _ Heika-kun! I seem to have tripped-” _

Dedede sidestepped casually, and Escargoon crashed to the floor yet again. “Listen, why don’t we just go back to the castle? There’s gotta be something to do in there. I mean, I live there. And I’m awesome. So I probably had a games room built, or something.”

“You don’t remember?”

“Tiff, Meta Knight built an entire warship under it. I think it’s safe to say I don’t pay that much attention.”

“At least share your chips,” Tiff muttered poisonously, and they all set off down the hill.

Meta Knight blinked. “My plots aren’t that bad, are they?”

All three of them turned to shoot him a noxious look, and their voices joined in vindictive unison.

_ “Yes!” _

_ Grumbling his disapproval, the graceful, suave knight fell into neat step behind the gaggle of fools, his cape flapping elegantly in the freezing wind. _

“And furthermore, it’s been sunny all day! Where do you think we are, Seattle?”

The group made their way to the castle, still discussing possible plotlines.

It was only when they’d reached the front gate that Meta Knight leapt forwards jubiously and exclaimed, “A ninja sworrd fight!”

“The only ninja swordsman here is you,” Tiff growled.

Meta Knight sagged. “Oh, rright.”

“I’ve got it!” Dedede yelled, dashing forwards. “Everyone follow me to the throne room! I’ve got the best idea ever!”

Glancing at each other, Meta Knight, Tiff and Escargoon hurried after him. It had to be better than a ninja sword fight, or meteors.  _ Anything _ had to be better than that.

Moments later, they stood beside Dedede, who was reclining self-importantly on his throne, and stared at the screen.

“This is your big plan?” Tiff enquired irritably. “Prank calls?”

“Shh,” Escargoon hissed, clapping his hand over her mouth to silence her. “His majesty-kun is working literary magic!”

“Hello, is this Pizza Hut?” Dedede droned, pinching his beak with one glove to make his voice sound nasal.

The unimpressed visage of Customer Service stared back at them. “Er… No, King Dedede. This is NME, the monster ordering service you use every-”

“Yeah, I’d like a large 14-inch beef pizza…”

“I think you have the wrong number, king.”

“But I want all the beef on the left hand side. I want the right hand side to be totally blank. No toppings. Understand?”

Tiff sighed heavily. “He can see you, Dedede. It’s a video call.”

“Don’t question His Majesty-dono’s methods!” Escargoon scolded, and turned back to the king with hearts in his eyes. “You’re amazing, Heika-kun… Tell him he has to draw Sonic on the box.”

“Listen, I have a lot of orders to take, so I’m gonna put you on hold,” Customer Service said, pressing a button somewhere offscreen. The castle’s huge television went blank, with only the NME logo and the words “Please Hold” plastered across the centre of the screen. Calming music swept through the room.

Dedede clamped his hands over his ears. “No! Not elevator music! I - I can’t take it, someone turn it off!”

Meta Knight pulled the plug, looking annoyed. “This would neverr have happened if you simply went with one of  _ my _ ideas to begeen with.”

Dedede tossed a pretzel at him. “Shut up, Dark Knight. You’re not even Spanish.”

Escargoon sighed dreamily. “Not even Spanish… classic. You’ve got a real way with words, Heika-chan.”

Tiff groaned, pulling her hands down her face in distress. “We’re never gonna get anywhere. Isn’t Kirby supposed to be the star of this franchise? Where is he?”

“Poyo!”

_ The mysterious pink Star Warrior bounced through a side door and into the throne room, posing impressively in front of the king’s chair. In his stubby but cautious arms, he carried a mysterious scroll, still glittering with the magic of ancients and emanating a cryptic energy. At last, the promise of a real adventure was within reach. It was Kirby’s time to shine. _

King Dedede leapt out of his chair, punting Kirby with so much force he crashed out of a window at mach 5. “I know!” he cried, punching a fist into the air. “Let’s all go to WcDonald’s! I’m starved!”

The group muttered in agreement, nodding to each other and shuffling towards the exit.

“I’ll firre up the Halberrd,” Meta Knight proposed, his accent thickening with each word. “But someone else is payeeng forr gas.”


	2. The Gang Goes to McRonald's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is the first chapter written by Spoofen, humble co-author of this... this..... whatever this is! I hope you enjoy it and will continue to keep up with our precious little creation! *fingerguns while walking backwards out the door*

_The magnificent battleship soared across the sky, blotting out the sun for the poor residents of Dreamland underneath. Some looked upon it with awe, others with crippling fear, unknowing as they were of the intention of its grandiose presence. The captain of the ship, the dashing, mysterious knight, was-_

“Are you seriously starting another chapter with that? Won’t that get really annoying after a while?”, Tiff interrupted.

“Do you want me to drrive us to McRronald’s orr not?”, Meta Knight replied sharply.

“Yeah, let the nerd narrate if he wants to, at least he can’t bother us while he’s trying to act cool,” Dedede said over his shoulder, momentarily turning his attention away from the game of chess he was indulged in.

“Why are you even playing chess? Isn’t that a game for smart people?”, Tiff crossed her arms.

“Stop insulting my Heika-sama!!”, Escargoon shouted from the other side of said game of chess. “You’re just jealous your intellect doesn’t match his!”

“You just switched all the pieces around so Dedede would be in the lead.”

“Did not!”

Dedede picked a piece and somehow, despite Escargoon’s attempt to sabotage himself, put himself in checkmate. Escargoon quickly tipped the chessboard over so that all pieces fell onto the floor of the Halberd.

“Whoops, I guess I lost. Good job, Heika-kun!”

“Good, that means you pay.”

Dedede got up and walked up to Meta Knight at the wheel, leaving Escargoon to wallow in self-pity over the state of his bank account. “Are we there yet?”

“Not yet”, Meta Knight replied.

“Are we there yet?” Tiff joined in.

“Not. Yet.”

“Are we there yet?” Sword Knight and Blade Knight piped up from their respective sets of useless buttons. They were quickly silenced by Meta Knight’s sharp glance.

“We will be there in just a few secon-”

Just then, the Halberd collided with something with enough force to throw the six passengers off their feet. The deep sound of a foghorn was heard for virtually no reason; although since the Halberd is a ship of the sky, it’s probably a useful addition for sailing through the clouds, just in case there’s any other self-obsessed maniac in Dreamland who’d actually build a huge battleship for themself. Who knows, Popstar’s pretty big.

“I think we’re there,” Meta Knight mumbled from the floor.

“Great, I’m starved!”, Dedede jumped up and ran for the exit.

“W-wait for me, Heika-chan-dono!”, Escargoon squealed and tried to get up, although he slipped on some chess pieces and fell back down with a loud thump. How he did that without feet, I have no idea.

Suddenly, a buzz like white noise was heard from outside the Halberd.

“I’m sorry, what?”, Tiff said.

“I said; WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY RESTAURANT?!”, a voice was heard from the drive-thru speaker right next to the Halberd.

“We uuh… We had an accident”, Meta Knight replied, trying his best to dust himself off.

“You better come in here and PAY for that, assholes!”

“Watch your language, this fic is family-friendly!”, Tiff remarked.

“Fine, uuh, jerkbags! Get in here!”

Meta Knight swept his cape around himself. “Come, you hearrd the employee, we must go inside.”

“Drop the act, nerd,” Dedede said while shoving Meta Knight to the side. “I’m hungry!”

> _[French Spongebob narrator voice] Two hours later_

“... And don’t even get me STARTED on the damage you did to the STORAGE!”

_The lilac jester had occupied the brave quartet (plus two) of heroes for far too long. The leader of the warriors, the brave Spanish swordfighter, was just about to unleash his special attack to end their distraction, when-_

“And you STOP TALKING OVER ME!”

Meta Knight finally shut up and simply observed Marx from the lamp he was perched upon.

“Are any of you even listening to me?!”, Marx shrieked while staring down his customers, who’d all crashed at one of the tables and were pretty much asleep at this point.

“UGH, I’m so TIRED of customers like you! You just stomp right in here, act as if you own the place, then act surprised when it turns out that NO, McRonald’s DOESN’T sell hot dogs, we DON’T have a secret menu, there AREN’T more milkshake flavours than listed; you’re all just a bunch of low-life, ungrateful little  **[FOGHORN NOISE]** ”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”, Tiff started awake.

“I- I said you’re all **[FOGHORN NOISE]**!”

Tiff and Marx both looked up at the crashed Halberd. From the bridge, they could see Blade Knight operating the foghorn. Blade shrugged his shoulders. Sword shook his head.

“Whatever; point is, y’all drove straight into my restaurant and it’ll take weeks to fix! You owe me for repairs!”

“Yeah, yeah, just put it on the tab,” Dedede started awake at the mention of “restaurant”.

“The tab-”

“What, you’re a restaurant without a tab? What kind of restaurant doesn’t have a tab?”

“I dunno, MOST OF THEM??”

“Dedede, you’re thinking of a bar, which we wouldn’t be in because this is family-friendly fun and alcohol doesn’t exist,” Tiff remarked.

“Well I’m the king and I decide there should be a tab. Meta Knight’s tab, to be specific. He’s paying.”

Escargoon let out a sigh of relief.

“But the food we’re gonna order is on him!”, Dedede pointed over his shoulder at Escargoon, who immediately suffered a heart attack and fell off the chair. Marx simply let out a defeated “fine” and slumped back into what was left of the kitchen.

While Marx was cooking their food using only his feet, Dedede bounced Kirby like a basketball.

“Where’d he even come from? I didn’t see him on the Halberd,” Tiff said.

“Why don’t we go out to eat more often?”, Dedede said, ignoring Tiff and throwing Kirby out the window.

“Because we’re literally broke,” Tiff scoffed. “Because some people can’t stop buying useless garbage from NME.”

“It’s not useless, it just hasn’t found its use yet! His Majesty-dono knows exactly what he’s doing!”, Escargoon piped up from the floor.

“Why would anyone ever need 82 boxes of all seasons of Friends on DVD?”

“For the 82 DVD- and TV-sets, duh!”, Dedede rolled his eyes. “I can’t watch the same episode 82 times at once without those!”

“Why would you even-”

“Hey, food’s coming!”, Dedede interrupted.

Marx carried tray upon tray of Merry Meals stacked on his head (which is sorta also his body or something? It’s hard to tell) to their table. “Here, 41 meals for… the six of you.”

“Make that one more, we can’t miss out on the number 42!”

Marx groaned and went back to the kitchen. “I knew Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was a bad idea.”

When the 42nd meal was finally served to their table, the rest had already been eaten. The final meal went down with a loud SHLORP as Dedede inhaled it, box and all.

“Um, did anyone pick out the toys from the boxes before you ate them all?”, Tiff asked.

“The what?” Dedede burped loudly.

Marx, turning a very flattering shade of crimson, inhaled and opened his mouth to give his customers a piece of his mind.

**[DRAWN OUT FOGHORN NOISE]**


	3. The Gang Throws A Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, at Spoofen's behest, I'm posting the rest of the chapters we have so far, because the original plan was to keep posting them with a buffer until we finished and instead we built up a buffer and posted none of it for like a year. WE'RE RESPONSIBLE WRITERS ANYWAY HERE IS THE CHAPTER YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. -bugsuit

 

_ The dashingly attractive knight’s heart raced, adrenaline surging through his body. He could feel the sweat on his brow, cold against the metal of his mask, as he crept ever closer to his target. The enemy was in his line of sight, and he only had to take the shot. He concentrated, aimed, and… _

**_“WHAT.”_ **

“Don’t start! Eet was a perfectly leegitimate strategy!”

King Dedede slammed his controller down, smashing it to pieces, and reached for another one from the pile. “Damn it, Meta Knight, your stupid commentary made me nervous! Besides, you’re a filthy quickscoper and you know it!”

“I don’t quickscope - hey! Geeve me back my controllerr!”

“Nuh-uh! Not until you admit-” The door creaked, casting a swathe of painfully bright light on the two gamers, and Dedede collapsed in a heap with his sleeve over his eyes. “Ow! Close the door, close the door!”

“MY OJOS!”

Tiff sighed heavily and kicked a wedge under the door, stepping into the room and pinching her nose hard against the clouds of dorito dust.

“Honestly, you guys. You’ve been in here for, like, two weeks. Call it quits already!”

“Meta Knight, pass me the Mountain Dew! I need to rinse my eyes!”

Tiff waded through mountains of Dorito packets towards the television screen and managed to reach behind it, yanking the plug out of its socket. An anguished cry rose up behind her.

“Tiff! No! My killcount!”

“How could you!? I thought that we were…  _ amigos…” _

Tiff brushed herself down, gagging at the clouds of Dorito dust that rose up from her clothes from just one foray into the room, and scowled. “If you’d just responded to my CappyBook messages, I wouldn’t have had to come in here! Listen, Sword Knight and Blade Knight are throwing a party tonight and you guys have to come.”

“A party? What for?” Dedede squinted at her. “Did Kirby kick the bucket finally?”

Tiff sighed heavily. “No, it’s for the Waddle Dees. It’s their birthday.”

The two dejected gamers stared blankly at her for a while, then exchanged glances.

_ “Their  _ birthday?”

“Duh. You don’t think we actually keep track of all of them, do you? We just celebrate them all on the same day so we have an excuse to go nuts. This year, it’s princess themed.” Tiff put her hands on her hips and gave Dedede an accusing look. “Also, that was your idea.”

“What a great idea!” Dedede exclaimed, putting his gloved hand on Meta Knight’s face and pushing him firmly out of the way. “I’m so glad I thought of it. Let’s go to that party!”

“Mrrmmghr frrm brh,” Meta Knight agreed.

“Took the words right out of my mouth. Tiff, did we get the goods this year?”

Tiff stared at him.

“The  _ stuff.  _ You know. The nondescript cans of child-friendly soft drinks.”

“You mean soda?”

“Yeah,” Dedede said carefully, making a winding motion with his hand.  _ “Soda.” _

A few seconds rolled by.

“Ohhh,” Tiff replied, as it clicked. “The  _ soda.  _ Yeah. Blade Knight stocked up. We’re gonna get so-” She paused, thinking hard. “So hyperactive. From the sugar.”

“Heh, you said it!”

The group scrambled for the door, kicking up chip packets and almost slipping on the numerous empty bottles of Mountain Dew.

An hour later, the throne room was filled with the sounds of “hyperactive” Dreamland residents, all wearing cheap costumes themed around copyrighted characters.

Dedede had opted for the costume labelled “Tower Princess With The Really Long Hair”. He was spinning the long, blonde plait with one hand and enthusiastically raising a can of liquid with the other, leaning casually up against a buffet table. The can had a sticky-note over the logo, and on it read “DEFINITELY COLA”.

He burped. “A toast!” he declared, splashing some of the Totally Soda on Escargoon. “To the best king ever!” He glanced down at himself, eyeing the skirt of his purple dress unsteadily, and tried again. “To the best princess ever! It’s me,” he added, whispering behind his can at a Waddle Dee to his right. “The best princess ever. That’s me.”

“Escargoon! Dedede! Get over here!” Tiff yelled above the Waddle Dee Party Mixtape, which was just Let It Go on repeat. “We’re gonna play spin the bottle!”

“S-s-spin the bottle?” Escargoon stuttered, his face flushing the same colour as the hair of his “Highland Archer Princess With A Bear Mom” costume. “Isn’t that the game where you...where… where you  _ kiss?” _

Dedede clapped him heartily on the back, breaking at least one dubiously-existent rib and causing Escargoon to slam face-first onto the floor. “You bet it is! Let’s go join in! Maybe I can dress a mirror up as a party guest and get to kiss myself!”

By the time they staggered over to the circle of friends, the game was already well underway. Two Waddle Dees mashed their mouthless faces together ineffectively while the others watched.

“Dedede! You made it!” Tiff exclaimed. “You just joined, so it’s your turn to spin the bottle!”

The king pulled out his hammer and croquet-bashed Kirby through a hole in the roof, taking his spot in the circle, and grinned. “Alright! Watch this, everybody! I’m gonna spin this thing so good… that… a metaphor, or something!”

“What,” Meta Knight deadpanned.

Dedede put his glove on the bottle, which had once contained Family Friendly Grape Juice, and span it roughly. It zoomed across the floor at breakneck speed, bounced off a table leg and embedded itself in Escargoon’s face.

An excited roar went up from the crowd.

“Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!”

The king looked sheepishly across at Escargoon’s bleeding face. “Wait, are you sure-”

“Eet’s the rules!” Meta Knight shouted, pounding a fist on the floor. “Kees the snail!”

Escargoon, his face filling with blood in more ways than one, ripped the broken glass bottle from his face and made a shy, pouty face at King Dedede. “Well, Heika-kun… You heard Meta Knight… It’s the rules!” He wiped his face, fluttering his eyelashes and wiggling his moustache. “H-how unfortunate… I guess we’ll just have to live with the shame… K-kiss me, Your Majesty-dono!”

Dedede leaned in close, because who cares where they were sitting in relation to each other, and slowly puckered up.  _ This is it,  _ thought Escargoon.  _ All my years of yearning… It’s about to finally happen… Maybe I can confess my feelings… _

With his eyes half-lidded, he didn’t notice the rapidly-approaching shape out of the window to his right. All of a sudden, the wall exploded, and the huge metal mask of the Halberd shoved its way into the room, crushing the snail against the floor and punching Dedede into the opposite wall. A stray flying brick hit Kirby in the face, who had just walked in after finding his way back to the castle, and he was instantly knocked out for the rest of the chapter.

“Oiiiii!” came a sugar-slurred cry from Sword Knight, who was hanging out of the window of the battleship. “Who wants to go on a space road trip!”

A resounding cheer of agreement went up from the room of partygoers, and instantly the crowd began to pour into the ship through a convenient side door.

Eight hours later, surrounded by the slumped bodies of (sugar-)hungover Waddle Dees, Blade Knight was ripped, and also ripped the map from Sword Knight’s hands.

“Give me that, ya shonky drongo! Oi dunno where you think you’re goin’ but you couldn’t tell a wallaby from a dropbear!”

Sword Knight gave him a rough shove, and the Halberd tilted dangerously to the left. “Rack off, ya jumped-up larrikin! Oi know exactly where we are, so sit toight an’ stop whingein’!”

“Wait,” Blade Knight interrupted, letting go of the map. Sword Knight fell off his seat. “Which of us is meant to be Australian, again?”

“Buggered if oi know. Who cares, anyway? Oi can’t even tell us apart!”

“Roight!” the other knight agreed, laughing. “You’ve got a point, mate!”

The two laughed together until they remembered they were supposed to be fighting, at which point Blade Knight shot his fist straight through Sword Knight’s torso.

In the back, Tiff folded her arms and sulked. “I don’t think they know how to drive this thing,” the muttered.

“They don’t,” Meta Knight replied, his voice muffled through the bathroom door. “I only taught them how to parallel park.”

Dedede hammered on the door, literally, with the hammer that he owns. “Meta Knight! You’ve been in that bathroom for an hour already! Get outta there, I gotta go!”

“No,” came the response. “My hangover is the worst out of all of you!”

“Whiner,” Escargoon whined over the top of the bucket he’d been throwing up into.

“Croikey, Blade!” one of the two knights shouted, just barely holding the other at bay with the sharp end of his sword, which was stabbed firmly into his torso. “It’s a space-Maccas!”

“Oh, beaut! Who’s up for Maccas?” Sword called over his shoulder, bleeding obstinately over the Halberd controls.

A hundred stubby hands shot up.

A minute or so later, the huge warship eased its way forward through a queue of other spaceships, until eventually it reached the order window.

A tinny, but familiar voice filtered through over the tannoy.

“Welcome to Space McDouglas, may I take your order?”

“Marx?” Tiff shouted, running over to the ship’s window. “Is that you? Didn’t you work at the McDinners back on Pop Star?”

There was a short silence, and then a defeated groan. “Great. It’s YOU. Listen, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve always worked at this Space McWendy’s. You’re making things up. AS USUAL.”

Dedede leaned over Tiff’s shoulder, speaking into the intercom. “Forget about that! We want a large pizza, with beef just on the left side-”

Tiff shoved him out of hearing range. “We want two hundred and four Slappy Meals to go!”

“And a coke,” Meta Knight shouted from the bathroom.

“And a coke,” Tiff repeated.

Marx growled into the speaker. “Right. Great. Now I have to work overtime. AND you’re holding up the queue.”

Despite his complaints, Marx soon filled the order, passing the meal bags through the window to Blade one by one. After half an hour of this, Sword Knight turned around in his seat, addressing everyone in a hushed voice.

“Did anyone remember to bring their wallet?”

Everyone went silent.

Marx squinted at them through the drive-thru window. “Did I just hear what I think I-”

“Hit the gas!” Blade yelled.

“That’s not the gas pedal! That’s the-”

With a shuddering start, the Halberd’s cannons exploded into action and incinerated the Space WcBronalds. A moment later the engines kicked into full throttle, leaving the smoking remains of the restaurant behind.

“All’s well that ends well,” Dedede said pleasantly through a mouthful of fries.

Blade Knight pressed a button on the Halberd controls, and a pre-recorded audience laugh track played through the speakers at maximum volume.


	4. The Gang Makes a Viral Video

_ The evil monarch had just revealed his malicious scheme. To think such a vicious idea could be formed by a being of this world! It was absolutely wretched, horrid, heinous- _

“So all we gotta do is get a video to two million views and the ad revenue should be enough to cover all our bills!” Dedede covered Meta Knight’s mask with one hand.

“I’m weareeng a mask,” Meta Knight mumbled.

“I don’t know about this,” said Tiff, thoughtfully tapping a finger against her chin. “How many views did you say your most popular video had?”

“47,” Dedede boasted, proudly patting his own chest.

“And how are you expecting to get… two million?”

“We gotta make it go viral, obviously!”

Tiff and Meta Knight exchanged glances. “Viral?”

“Yeah, we gotta make a video that’s short, funny and preferably with someone getting injured. People love sharing those kinds of videos.”

“We can’t just… make a cat video? Those can get over twenty million over just a couple of years.”

“I can’t wait a couple of years, I need my two million now!” Dedede got up from his throne and started walking towards the door. “Plus, the only cat-like critters I can think of are the Scarfies and I don’t think anyone in Dreamland is ready to call those ‘cute’.”

Minutes later, the trio was seated by the dinner table. A pile of discarded, crinkled-up notes was slowly growing bigger on the table. Tiff tapped a pen to her mouth.

“How about an epeec sworrd fight?”, Meta Knight suggested.

“That’s not viral video material, you wannabe,” Dedede slapped Meta Knight on the back hard enough for his eyes almost to pop out of his head, or body or whatever. “Gotta be  _ funny. _ ”

“An epeec sworrd fight between clowns?”

“Quit it with the swords, we need like,” Dedede looked around, “like… a talking fruit.” He pointed at the fruit basket next to the rising pile of discarded ideas.

“Talking fruit? That’s stupid,” Tiff remarked.

Kirby entered the dinner room through a door to Dedede’s right. He was carrying a tray of tea cups and a teapot. As he approached the table with a big, open-mouthed grin, he tripped on the edge of a carpet and stumbled forward, hitting a camera off the table and onto a convenient pile of cushions. The fall somehow turned the camera on while Kirby tripped on his face. The teapot swung around on the tray, pouring boiling hot tea on Kirby’s backside. Kirby leaped up with a yelp, tripping over one of the tea cups and hitting the floor hard. He was just about to get back up when he accidentally smacked the sugar bowl with his stubby arm, sending a rain of sugarcubes down on himself. A lone slice of lemon placed itself right over his mouth in the shape of a grin.

“Kirby, stop wasting battery!” Dedede picked up the camera and swiftly deleted the video. “No no, that’s all the rage nowadays. I saw a video with a talking tomato in it, some guy edited his own eyes and mouth over the tomato to make it talk. It was hilarious.”

“That means we’d just be copying,” Tiff groaned. “For two million views it’s gotta be original. Something new.”

“How about-”

“Let’s start a trend,” Tiff interrupted Meta Knight. “Something people have a reason to copy and spread around. To get other people to follow it.”

“Like what?”, Dedede leaned back in his chair, looking at Tiff in disbelief.

“Like, I dunno, laying down face-first in weird places? We could call it… logging. Like, a log.”

“That’s dumb. And old. What is this, 2005?”

“Didn’t our show come out before that? Wait, isn’t this being written in 2016? Aren’t  _ we _ old news?”

Everyone looked into a nonexistent camera. Actually, everyone looked into different nonexistent cameras, leaving them looking in three different directions for absolutely no reason.

Tiff broke the silence. “How about we make a video where one of us is dancing all alone and then the rest of us enter the room without them noticing? And then they realize we’re there and get all embarrassed?”

Just then, Kirby reentered the room. This time he was carrying a Scarfy around, which, for some reason, allowed itself to be carried in an almost adorable manner. While Dedede was gesturing wildly, thinking of suggestions, he’d accidentally knocked another camera onto a different pile of cushions, switching it on. Kirby sat down with the Scarfy, petting it, when it suddenly sneezed with a massive, booming sound. Kirby jumped at least three feet up in the air, dropping the Scarfy on the floor. As Kirby landed, the Scarfy decided it had had enough of his shenanigans and transformed into the terrifying, one-eyed monster we all know and love (not). It chased Kirby out of the room.

“Kirby, we already decided on no cat videos! Get that thing out of here!” Dedede shouted while picking up the camera. “And you’re still wasting battery!”

“I am not sure about the danceeng teeng,” Meta Knight said. “I do not teenk any one of us could feel embarrrrassed enough. No one has any shame.”

“So let’s do, uh, a prank video?” Tiff suggested.

Dedede turned to her with a twinkle in his eye. “Prank video?”

“Obviously we can’t do anything dangerous-”

“I lost interest,” Dedede turned his attention to the pile of discarded ideas.

A moment’s silence fell over the trio. Meta Knight was still pondering how he could implement swords or knights into their video, Tiff was about to call it quits and just leave, and Dedede simply had the image of a mechanical monkey bashing two cymbals together in his head.

“How about a failed trick video?”, Dedede said.

“What kind of trick? We don’t have bikes or anything in Cappytown, and I doubt you’d wanna ruin your car on purpose.”

“Can any of you juggle?”, Meta Knight said. “With swords?”

**_“NO SWORDS!”_ ** Dedede and Tiff shouted in unison. Meta Knight grumbled to himself and climbed the mountain of discarded ideas to place himself at the very top.

“Can’t we just do a prank call?” Dedede suggested.

“We already did a prank call in chapter one, we can’t do it again this soon. Besides, we all know how those turn out.”

“Shut up. A drive-thru prank?”

“Do you want to be banned from another MC Hammer?”

“Angry, over the top reaction video to something unsubstantial where the whole room gets thrashed?”

Suddenly, Kirby dropped down from the ceiling onto the pile of discarded ideas, knocking Meta Knight off it. The door at the opposite end of the table slammed open, revealing a strange creature with long legs and arms and a head not directly attached to its torso. The creature held up a small metal cylinder and pushed a button, summoning a laser-like blade. Kirby, suddenly dressed in a white bedsheet, held up a similar blade.

Meta Knight fell onto a camera, switching it on from the perfect viewpoint over the two warriors.

Kirby jumped the creature, attempting to slash at it vertically. It blocked it perfectly, sending a shower of sparks from their connection point, and pushed Kirby off. With swings accompanied by a loud, futuristic swishing sound and showers of sparks at every successful block, the two fell into a duel to the death.

“I don’t see how that’s funny,” Tiff replied to Dedede’s idea.

“Oh, it’s hilarious! You’ve never seen videos like those? Make me laugh every time,” Dedede chuckled.

Just then, the door swung open. Escargoon strutted in, completely ignoring Kirby’s duel and immediately throwing himself down at Dedede’s feet.

“Oh, Your Majesty-chan, it’s awful! Absolutely terrible!”

“What is?”, Dedede replied, subtly moving his chair away from Escargoon.

“The Waddle Dees, Sire-senpai! They have been chasing me all morning, attempting to kill me, I’m sure! Oh no, here they come again- Heika-kun, please save me!”

Three- no, five Waddle Dees waddled into the room, approaching Escargoon who decided it was safer on the other side of Dedede’s chair. They lifted their stubby little arms to him and closed their eyes in an affectionate fashion, clearly meaning no harm. Escargoon climbed up Dedede’s chair.

“Save me, Heika-sama!!”

“Dummy, they’re trying to hug you. Here, fetch,” Dedede said, picking up Escargoon and rolling him back out the door. The Waddle Dees immediately followed him with excited little steps.

“This is going nowhere,” Dedede continued. “Let’s just take a break or something. I’m starving. And you, didn’t I tell you not to waste batteries?”

Dedede picked up the camera Meta Knight had fallen on and deleted the video it had recorded. He tossed the camera with the other ones and left the room, without even noticing that Kirby had slashed the strange intruder’s hand off and was now in the middle of a dramatic monologue consisting only of “poyo”s while the intruder was hanging over a seemingly bottomless pit which had appeared in the room without anyone noticing.

The trio ordered three large pizzas, arguing passionately for fifteen minutes whether or not there should be any pineapple on them, and brought the delivered pizzas to Dedede’s game room.

By the nondescript gaming console, Kirby sat with a perfect 306 killstreak in Call of Duty doing a flawless 360 headshot. A little symbol in a corner of the screen indicated it was being recorded.

“Didn’t I tell you not to touch my games?!” Dedede exclaimed and ripped out the cables to the console. He then picked Kirby up and threw him out the door, listening to him bouncing off the walls.

“This whole viral video thing isn’t going anywhere. Who wants to start up a Let’s Play channel with me so we can crank out easy videos every day with no effort?”

Tiff and Meta Knight both turned around and walked out of the room. Kirby peeked into the room but was kicked out again by Meta Knight.


	5. The Gang Runs For Office

“You’re probably wondering why I called you all here,” Dedede declared, his gaze passing unperturbed around the table of noble anime protagonists, all of whom were either playing handheld video games or taking selfies on their iPhone. “Well, there’s a problem! I’ve been trying since 2003 to get rid of dat dere Kirby,” he began, putting on an affected speech pattern he hadn’t bothered with so far for the entirety of the story, “and it’s come to zip. Nothin’ I’ve tried has come to fruition. Even that one unrelated episode about me tryin’ to see Escargoon naked didn’t kill Kirby, and I’ve been thinking - maybe I’ve been goin’ about this all wrong.”

Tiff glanced up over the top of her phone, on which she was looking up smutty fanfiction of anime characters kissing, and flashed him a sullen look. “You could always use that AK-47 hanging on the wall over there. I dunno if he can inhale bullets.”

“I thought you werrrre Kirrrrby’s amigo,” Meta Knight remarked, his personality receding with every rolled R.

“Yeah, well, I don’t see you doing anything helpful in literally any episode ever.”

Dedede banged his fist on the table. The reverberations spilled Escargoon’s drink all over his lap. “Shut up! What I’ve realised through all this is that sentient penguins like me don’t have nearly enough power in this crazy, backwards world. So what I’m gonna do is…”

“Perform in a CGI dance routine to Under Pressure by Queen?” Escargoon suggested hopefully. “That seemed to give penguins a good rep.”

“No!” Dedede flipped the table. It landed on top of Kirby, who happened to be walking by at that moment, and was irreparably flattened. “I’m gonna run for President of the United States!”

For a long time, nobody moved. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Meta Knight glanced up from his iPad, on which he was writing an angsty blog entry to get attention from his three followers. “What was that? I wasn’t leestening.”

“Me either.” Tiff didn’t bother looking up. Someone was flaming her for insinuating two anime characters were gay, and responding to them was surely the only way of shutting them up.

Escargoon’s eyes twinkled. “That’s a sugoi idea, Heika-dono!!! You’re such a genius, desu degesu gesu desu…”

Dedede lifted one foot and slammed it on the table, leaning on his knee. An American flag faded into existence behind him, billowing majestically in the breeze. “Say hello to Presidential Candidate, Dedede! I’ll change Dreamland - I mean, the United States - for the better! Just you wait!”

A deafening round of applause went up, from Escargoon. The others continued writing blog entries. Somewhere, an eagle cried a single, glittering tear.

“Sure,” Tiff mumbled, not listening.

“Sounds grrreat,” Meta Knight said, still in the middle of deciding between bleak metaphors to describe his life online.

“Then it’s settled! America, here I come!” Dedede cried enthusiastically, slam-dunking Kirby into a basketball net.

The gang got together with piles of notebooks, pens, assorted flags with Dreamland insignias, and not Kirby. Together, Dedede announced, they would make him the best President the colonies had ever seen.

“So,” Tiff concluded, after they’d appointed Escargoon as campaign manager. “Where exactly is America in relation to Dreamland? We’re gonna have to go there if you want to be President, right?”

“We’ll worry about that later,” said Dedede, scribbling up a speech. “How do you spell ‘egregious’?”

“You don’t,” Meta Knight said sagely, and took the paper from him. “Leesten, if you need a good speech, you know who to ask.”

The king eyed him dubiously and then shrugged. “Fine. I’m gonna get to telling all the Waddle Dees exactly what to do. I’m gonna need lighting. And lots of cameras.”

He peered over Escargoon’s shoulder. The snail had drawn a heavily-muscled version of him wearing only speedos and a fancy hat, with a rose clamped in his beak. The words “CAMPAIGN PLAN” had been written and then hurriedly erased at the top of the sheet.

Dedede patted him on the shoulder. “Good work,” he said, nodding approvingly.

The days ticked by until the day of King Dedede’s big candidate speech, and Dreamland’s residents gathered around a stage that had been assembled just the day before in the town square. Dedede strolled on and took up position behind the microphone, tapping it to test the speakers.

“Uhh… One, two. Testing. Can you all hear me?”

“Get on with it, ya yobbo,” someone yelled from the back. “Some of us want to go home and watch Neighbours.”

“Ay, he’s not the full quid, is he? Wot a bludger.”

“Quiet, Blade Knight!” Dedede snapped.

“I think he’s talking to you, Blade.”

“Not half, he got us mixed up again.”

“Shut up!” Dedede screamed into the mic, the speakers crackling with feedback and making everyone groan and cover their ears. “Alright. Now, for my big speech! Meta Knight, did you - oh, thanks.” He took the sheaf of prompt cards from Meta Knight, looking pleased, and lifted the first one. “Os he reunido todos aquí hoy… HEY! This is all in bad Google Translated Spanish!”

Meta Knight shrugged at him from offstage, thoroughly disinterested, and went back to writing an angsty blog entry on his phone.

Dedede tossed the cards over his shoulder. “Fine. It’s time for my big finale.”

“You barely started,” Tiff pointed out, then remembered she didn’t care.

King Dedede tapped the mic again, then signalled to the Waddle Dees. They angled the spotlight on him, and with an echoing click, the stage lit up in rainbow LEDs. Music began blasting from the speaker, and Dedede raised his fist.

_ “You can dance,” _ he sang,  _ “you can jive… Having the time of your life…” _

His voice blared from the speaker right as Kirby was walking past carrying a stack of perfectly-written presidential speech papers, and the sound wave sent the puffball blasting off again.

_ “See that girl… Watch that scene… Diggin’ the Dancing Queen…” _

“Screw thees,” Meta Knight muttered, “I’m leaving.”

“Right behind you.”

Tiff followed him out of the town square, both parties fully intending to spend the rest of the day playing Black Ops.

Back on the stage, Dedede belted out his final line and leapt high into the air, landing in the splits centre-stage.

Panting, he made a ta-dah motion with both arms. “And that,” he shouted, “is why you should elect me as President of the United States!”

A single pair of hands applauded him enthusiastically, and Escargoon pushed to the front of the crowd, his eyes streaming with tears. “Heika-chan… That was so beautiful… You have my vote, Your Majesty-dono-kun!!!  _ You have my vote!!!” _

“Ah, can it,” Dedede snapped, throwing the microphone at him.

Weeks later, election day rolled around, and came and went with no fuss. Dedede had forgotten to apply as an official candidate, mainly due to the fact that he didn’t know where America was, and thus nothing came of it.

Tiff, at least, managed to dominate Meta Knight in Call of Duty with a continuous stream of headshots. The two survived on Doritos, and everyone lived happily ever after until the next chapter.


End file.
